I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
