I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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