hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
