Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
