it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
