She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I want to fling myself into the sun
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
