There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
