is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
