we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
