by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
