Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
