I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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