He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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