dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
