i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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