i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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