she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
