It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Randomize
