Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
