Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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