I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
