Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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