Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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