I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
