Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
You're like the curious george of whores
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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