I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I just want to make out with him forever
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
