I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Let's get the cat blown out
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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