My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
