she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
