just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
