i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
