Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
