so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
