Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
