Your face is a jimmy john
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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