I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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