I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
