I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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