you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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