Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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