He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
