I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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