my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
