wrigley field is MILF paradise
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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