You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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