so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
