allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
