nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
