I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
