How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
