Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
