His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
